So here we are. Nearing the end of yet another year. How do you feel? The daily question I ask to myself.
Well, right now, I feel fucking fabulous (as I answer to myself). As I’ve had two glasses of wine and too many tacos. But also, I don’t feel anything like I did this time a year ago, which was: pretty fucking average.
A year ago, I felt trapped in a life I did not want, making my way through the work days in a cocaine-hangover haze. Doing lines at midweek parties, in lust with someone who I really shouldn’t have been, after a crazy dating phase, fucked off at 76% of things, and wanting to be somewhere else completely…
Which is ironic, as now I would somewhat like to be back there. In London, surrounded by possibilities, working with the loveliest people in a job that I was good at that made a positive difference, and living with some of the sweetest housemates I ever had. Celebrating the fuck out of Christmas, which now makes it only my list of Things I Don’t Really Give A Fuck About (this list has grown threefold this year, and it was already kind of long). Urgh, nostalgia! It always gets me. But now, I have learnt how the mirage in how my mind works in its mystical romanticised ways, pulling me strongly into the sickly-sweetness of the past, or seducing me into the future…(and anyone who knows me will know how I adore sexy things…drool).
But more so, I really feel like it’s right being in Melbourne right now. Not that I even had planned to come here at all, until a passing comment from my sister when we rendezvoused in Perth a few weeks ago. It’s a wonderful city, full of creativity and a good amount of grunge (I’m so drawn to it), and all sorts of progressive movements.
For example, I have never experienced such a range of polygamy offerings than I have on Tinder than in Melbourne (lol my perception of “progressive movements”). Is everywhere else simply ridiculously conservative? Even Ubud didn’t appear to have that level of polygamy on offer (!! and it’s pretty fucking fluid), even though I heard many whispers of the “spiritual” orgies and the standard tantra nights – which was on my list of Things I Want To Do And Will Talk About Doing But Probably Not Actually Do As I’m Lazy (another list that grew threefold this year). I’d probably prefer my orgies drug and alcohol-fuelled rather than “spiritual/conscious” anyway, not that I would know, yet… And not that I’m much of a polygamist either (when I fall, I fall wholeheartedly hard in an all-consuming way), but you know, it’s nice to be somewhere that celebrates such progressiveness – which really should be normalness, but it’s not yet, and that’s okay too, because as long as it’s happening and celebrated – well then that’s a pretty good sign!
More importantly, I feel I have really lived this year. There is nothing I would do differently, and I am really humbled now looking back at all that I had experienced, the most incredible people I met, and the entire “journey” of this wild and wonderful year. I feel full. At some points, I felt overly full – I would explain my life in the phrase to friends: “life is just so full right now!”. And that it was. I glided through highs, where at times tears would randomly come to my eyes as I felt so deeply blissed out, grateful and full of love, and other times I felt a dept of pain, sadness and meaninglessness that I had never experienced before.
“Omg, am I bipolar?” I (semi/mostly) joked to a friend lately. “Maybe haha” she said, but also that she knew what I meant, as she also a dramatist. She also strives for the marvellous.
The meaninglessness hung around me like a dim shadow for quite a few weeks. “Spiritual Awakening 101” – or whatever. When you investigate the inner workings of your mind, work through old stories and scripts that played out in daily life (as we create the majority of it), when you realise nothing matters, except for whatever you choose to matter, then an emptiness entails. It’s so freeing, to release bullshit that was holding you back before, but like… now what? If my society/culture/institutions/bureaucracies/family/friends/ex’s/past were not creating my present or my future.. then like actually what the fuck do I now choose to do/be/say/live?
A blank slate was provided, for me to paint in any way of choosing, but what the fuck to paint it with?! I had to sit in plenty of meaninglessness – which I am so proud that I did. I had to wade through so much uncertainty, and trust like my life was dependent on it, as it somewhat is – because, for me, it seems this is the only way I can live.
Year summary: Richly lived, risks taken, so many fucking challenges (which I love as there is nothing that kills me like boredom), and fuck loads of breakthroughs (“spiritual” as fuck, aye). I journeyed through many levels of basic-ness, although there are still some ahead (“there’s unlimited depths to basic” as a dear friend wisely shared). I’m so grateful for all that this last year has entailed. I really cannot put this gratitude into words (mostly because my vocab is still #megabasic alas).
What I experienced was different to what I had expected to experience (as all years are, non?), what I want now is almost completely different to what I wanted then, and I have a new list of desires, interests and passions, that a year ago only scratched the surface of my wishes. What I desire now is so much richer than anything I have ever desired before.
I could never do it all again, as even though it was one of the most wonderful and unforgettable years of my life, it was also one of the most challenging. As with growth, comes discomfort, and it can be painful sometimes, leaving behind who you were, for who you are becoming. Growth is the opposite of comfort and easy, but it’s the only way I want to live – a full, deep, rich life. Not only is it the only way I want to live, it’s the only way I can now live. And once you have tasted Life (whatever it entails for you to evoke any feelings of wholeness/freedom/expression/truth etc) it’s very, very difficult to then not live that way, once you know it exists, once you have actually experienced it.
It’s an odd sensation now however. As I’m somewhat between two different worlds. One foot in each. Not committed yet to either. I could not wait to get back to the routine, structure, 9-5 ease, and the comforts of a salaried paycheck – and it turns out, I was running away from those things for the very reason that they stifle the very essence of my being.
Today, I wanted to scream and cry and rip myself out of this matrix of self-suppression sameness. How the fuck to escape! I currently do need the cash (as next year the plenty of adventures I have planned require some funding) – and this seemed like a good option. Like sure I can work for six months and save bulk cash before I travel again.
Except that, I really, really don’t know if I can. I nearly called a friend crying after work today with pure frustration. I CANNOT LIVE THIS LIFE! I cannot sit in front of a desk for 8 hours a day every week. It is sucking the zen, intuition and inspired life out of me. And frankly, when I’m there I feel I am not living.
I know what it feels to live, and it does not feel like that. Yet I want to be here in Melbourne right now, and I am equally not ready to jump back into to freelance life right now until I have some plans fleshed out.
Just quit! But what if The Matrix does not allow this? I know there are always going to be things we don’t want to do. I know we often have to work when we would rather not. I know that sometimes we have to grind. I am fully up for that! But it kills me slowly to do it such a way that feels so incredibly out of alignment with who I am. I love to throw myself into work, and get absorbed in doing a fucking amazing job – smashing targets, pushing limits etc. But now, I don’t want to be doing what I have always done. Now, I want something different than I ever have before. But it’s still brewing…
After this year of living in a constant state of flux, I needed the grounding in this way, as it’s currently the only way I know.
It’s also quite the challenge to constantly be moving around your life – countries/jobs/people/homes. Even though that’s semi-standard for me, right now I need some ease, equally as much as I feel like flinging myself out the window of any standard kind of job…
I am aware of the other options available to a millennial who can do many things averagely. A cafe for example. Yet, that’s a dip in pay with shitty hours. So until I have the space to re-think through the best next steps forward I will work with what I’ve got, and try to bring some Living in the desk-bound days. I am only three weeks in for godsake! But I know for sure, this is temporary. And while for now, I can semi-survive – there’s no.fucking.way I can live my life like this. No fucking way.
I’d rather be broke and inspired for sure. I need challenge to be satisfied. Comfort, while very lovely, bores me. I mean, my day-to-day life is enraged with comfort (chilling/ sleeping in whenever possible, extra pasta please etc) but my overall lifestyle can’t be comforting/conforming, as I need the edges. Otherwise, am I even living?
There’s this feeling, of a day not spent in wholeness, that my life is slipping between my fingertips, that it’s passing me by, that I’m seriously missing out. And I simply do not know if I can find that wholeness in an office. I do not know if I can find it in a job description, or a cover letter. And I cannot, I really mean, I can fucking not, live in any other way that one that feels crazily-wildly-insanely-alive.
I wish I could. I gazed out the tram window today with sadness in my eyes, wishing so much I wanted what many others around me seem to want. I wish I wanted to live in one city. I wish I wanted to buy a house. I wish I wanted to stay in one job for at least a year, which I never have. I wish I wanted to stay in one career. I wish I wanted to “settle down”. But I don’t. I can’t.
I’m a little exhausted from the growth, I’m a little burnt out from the hustle, so one foot needs to be grounded in The Matrix at the mo for some cold hard cash (which is FAR less sexy when it’s from a standard job than from money you’ve made yourself). But the other part of me… it is prepping. It is dreaming. It is not giving up. And it’s not fucking settling.
I wish also, it was a simple as JUST DOING IT. I’m wading between two worlds at the moment, but I feel I don’t quite exist in either. I can’t live the life that been offered to me by society, as I do not want it. But I don’t yet have the energy to fling myself into the depths of the unknown again. I wish I could live either with conviction, but the truth is: there are elements in both that I love, and there are elements in both I could not live.
Sure, I could mind-fuck myself to finding happiness in either lifestyle. Except that it’s not happiness that I seek. I realise, among 100 million things this year, that I’m not “seeking” something in particular, that I’m not looking for something to make me feel “content” – but that more than anything, I want to experience. And that I need to experience life.
I can’t quite yet word how this way I must live, differs from the ways I have lived before. I just know I have an adventure in my bones. I just know I have love in my heart. I just know I see magic with my eyes. I just know that for now, I must chase the edges.
I’ll take the risks this kind of life entails, as risks make feel alive. I’ll take the chances, as the thrills spark life deeply in me. I’ll feel the loneliness, the sadness, the meaninglessness. I’ll cry sometimes. I feel confused often. I’m not trying to figure anything out (it simply IS – fyi – nothing means anything except for what you think it means), I just must live this way.
New adventures are brewing. New plans are in the making. New existences are being crafted. And for those fantasies: I am fucking inspired, joyful and feel dreamy about. Until then, I will grind in this capitalist machine that I do not want to exist in (for the ease of the fucking cash in a city which I currently adore). Because at the end of my life I want to say: I feel I really lived this life. I really experienced this life. I cried from the depths of my soul. I grieved. I lost. I fucked up. I messed up. I nearly wanted to end it all. But I tasted living in the most heightened ways. I felt tingles of inspiration just from breathing. I experienced and share wholehearted love. I spread kindness. I followed my desires. I chased my dreams. I touched the marvellous. I danced with the exquisite. I lived.
Big love and kisses as always,