Disclosing feelings of the in-between

stranger-things-xmas-lights1Part one:

The quintessential feeling of being home: an equal parallel force between feeling wholly comforted, like you did as a child, and a deep need to leave for unknown shores, like you felt as a teenager. Quintessential for me, anyhow.

So, here I am. Back at home after two and a half years. It’s been raining today – so I’m currently snuggled up in bed eating a classic NZ dinner Mum cooked (meat and 4 veg – very New Zealand) – and really needing some time alone to process, decompress and re-align.

I’ve been with other people/family for the last three weeks straight – which has been challenging after 6 months of alone time, living life entirely on my own agenda. I haven’t even had time to think to myself – and have absolutely realised how much of an introvert I am and how I deeply need time alone to process and reflect. When I don’t carve out this blissful solitude, everything can feel a bit chaotic – even though it’s simply all perceived that way in my mind.

The sweet and tender stages of transition – I do love them, as I feel so hyper-aware of everything. I also am in a space of having the option to choose my next lifestyle path – being in this space of freedom as I don’t have any commitments (no mortgage, no one in my care, no relationship, little financial obligations, no contract job/s). This way of living comes with pitfalls – it comes with benefits too. As does whatever lifestyle choice you pursue.

But how can I live another way? My family may not always understand this. But if I was to be stuck somewhere permanently with certainty about how the days in my future are going to pan out…I would become depressed. I just would.

I’m not “seeking” anything other than experience – and wanting to experience life. I’m not “looking” for anything. When I left London someone (a lovely person whom I adore) said to me re upcoming life plans “I hope you find what you’re looking for” – in which I responded “I’m not looking for anything in particular, this is just how I want to live my life” – something like that.

There are things I want in my life that have not yet manifested (as I haven’t been in the position yet to bring them in/ still working through blocks) – but in general, I’m very deeply focused on bettering my mindset always as our perception of everything IS everything – since we all experience life differently based off perceptions (and other elements such as biology) why not make those perceptions the best they could be, and living my life in a way that aligns with what feels good to me.

I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about my feelings and perceptions. It’s been interesting being with family again, where everyone talks about different things (what others are doing / what they are currently interested in) – and how different this is to me – to how I perceive life and to what I talk about.

The truth is – I’ve never felt like I’ve fitted in anywhere. Ever. I’ve created strong bonds with different wonderful people over my lifetime thus far – but they are always 1:1 as that is how I best relate to others. I feel more and more comfortable with not conforming to the ways of living that I used to feel (self) pressured to conform to.

And my lifestyle isn’t even extreme! It’s pretty normal really. The majority of my friends haven’t “settled down” either. Many are travelling, living in various cities, and also in a phase of figuring next steps.

I have been asking myself lately what really matters. Is being near family and spending time with them more ‘important’ than travelling? I have realised – it’s not “happiness” that I’m after. It’s definitely experience. If it was content-ness I was looking for I’d probably choose somewhere more permanently to live, surrounded myself with a bunch of wonderful souls, give myself the opportunity to be in a relationship, and take a job that both fulfils me and pays me well. Right? Isn’t that what people do?

But I am so drawn to the unknown adventures. Not because I’m seeking something in particular, but because I do crave newness. I have wondered if this is because I’m not comfortable in myself internally – so I seek external wonders. But that’s not it either – as I am pretty comfortable with who I am and what I stand for and what I care about. Sure – I’ve had some struggles and challenges this year, but so has everyone. And for the most part, I feel pretty good. My inner peace levels are pretty good.

Every now and then I’ll feel anxious. This month anxiety has been running high – and I even woke up in the night a few times last week with anxiety… but now that I finally have some time alone again I can breathe deeply and feel so.much.better!

I’ve been wondering lately why we feel so addicted to mental drama. I know it’s not just me either! Some of the shit people talk about I’m like whaaaat how is that even worth a breath? It’s no.big.deal. And the same to myself! I’ll catch myself stressing about something – like money – and I’m like omg… it’s just money.

I have made a strong commitment to myself to not make decisions based on money, and because I don’t have children etc, I don’t need to. But my god – I’m seeing how it really is ruling some peoples lives. And I’m not even talking about taking a high paid corporate job – I’m talking about having a scarcity mindset. Talking about the expense of things. Of insurances etc. Of ‘if I have x money I’d do this’ or “if I won the lottery I’d do this”. However, “money” (insert X mental drama or X to worry about) is really rarely the problem, because once you do receive that what you first desired – your next reality comes with its own host of challenges. So really, it’s all about how we relate to our problems, how we think about them, how our mindset is tuned to be.

I think people like to use money as an outlet for their problems when underneath there’s actually potentially some pain there that hasn’t been worked through, so money is used as an outlet. That’s possible about all mental drama actually. Myself absolutely included in this! I’ve been spending endless mental energy lately pondering on my next steps – whereas it would be great for me to take a step back, get into alignment, and place trust in everything working out (as it ALWAYS does!).

I am in a place of needing to make a decision soon re where I am going to live for the next 6 months. I could live at home, or move to Melbourne. Auckland is also an option, but I’ve already lived there and there were only some spots I adore…plus it reminds me too much of past memories, and would feel strange stepping back into an alternative life there.

Part two:

A week and a bit on, at my Dad’s, in the house he grew up in that was built in the 40’s. A tiny cottage which has been renovated, but still very much feels like it was from another era altogether.

It’s been an odd week. In this space of in-between-ness. Also, at this time of the year (two months left!) and this time in my life (late 20’s). I feel in this last month I have become an adult, officially. Coming home this time, after two and a half years away, has felt different than any other time I have returned home before. Even though I left at 18, and have come back multiple times, and lived here in complete comfort a mere few years ago for a period of 9 months – this time, I can’t stay. Not that I was planning on staying forever, but I feel at this stage in my life journey I must push forward and continue on this life path that I have chosen, which is now to roam.

So last night, I booked another one-way ticket. This time to Melbourne, where I plan to stay for the next 6-ish months before I journey over to the other side of the world again – in which I completely unrealistically dream of living my life in a Woody Allen film. While my imagination runs strong, it is stagnated in realism (whereas I dream it to be surrealism!). But my soul is whispering to me to be in Europe. As I crave so deeply to be in a place that inspires me. To be surrounded by art, history, culture and substance. 

Also, for anyone who has travelled for a length of time and then returned home…the feeling is quite indescribable. My parents no longer feel like just my parents as much, but as people too. By this I mean, I feel independent, and no longer a child – even though parts of me which I could easily jump back into the child-parent archetype. My home, no longer feels like my home, but of a place that once was. I’m teething on the edge of a past live that I lived – and a new one. It was extremely unnerving until the clarity came through on my next steps. And now, I have my current purpose again, until of course, I live that one out too. 

For those who wander – sometimes the path isn’t easy. In fact I’d argue, it is harder. Choosing to move cities multiple times on my own, constantly moving homes and often jobs…it constantly pushes me through discomfort.  This is what is needed on my journey in life. In fact, I simply can’t live life another way.

I’ve been questioning my drive for this. Why can I not be content with what others seem to be content with? Why must I seek more? Every city move, every job change, every new group of friends, every new lover – they enrich my life, yet at the same time, I do not have roots, stability, predictability, or knowingness.

I put myself in emotionally taxing positions, whereas it would be far easier to just stay at home! In New Zealand. Settle down. But, that I cannot do, I just cannot. Not even in Australia. I dream of places I have not yet been to. People I have not yet met. And of knowledge, I am yet to acquire. 

Perhaps it’s ancestral? As humans, we roam, well some of us anyway. And perhaps it’s cultural, and I’m deeply impact by the life of “travelling”. However, I believe travel is consumerism too – and that is not what I’m after. I’m not a bucket list ticking backpacking kinda girl – absolutely NOT for me!

I dream to be immersed in other cultures. To taste life the way others taste it. To explore what I do not know. What I seek, is wisdom. And that can only come through living. And something living life on what you feel is your edge. A different, just as valid, kind of wisdom arrives in comfort, but for me, that is not what I am pulled toward. 

On a more real-life note, I’ve also received serious news from multiple friends this week – two of which have been a huge shock to me. All of a sudden, really in the last month alone – this news, along with financial implications of the unpaved path of a gypsy-set lifestyle, and feeling like home is no longer a place, but a feeling within my imagination, have all resulted in me feeling it’s time for me to step into my shoes as an adult.

So today, I went for a walk, and I cried. I really cried. I cried for my past, skewed in an unreliable memory, I cried for futures that have not happened, I cried for my present – and I cried for others too. My heart has been cracked open, right open again. I am feeling everything, and not just for me, but for others too. My heart goes out deeply to someone right now who has started her very own journey of intense physical healing. My heart goes out to two other friends whom I’ve spoken to in the last week who are facing difficult situations. And to someone special from the past, who I send love and light to on their life journey ahead, which no longer crosses with mine. It also goes out to my family whom I love and care about so deeply, but sadly feel I must roam once more, even though I will miss them terribly. And it goes to those who are currently lifting me up and inspiring me, for those who care.

I lay down in the grass, breathed deeply and I allowed myself to feel. I cried. And I watched the leaves on the trees ahead, blowing in the wind. I deeply believe resistance and suppression to emotions (emotions of which are our guardian angels leading us in the soulful directions for us!) causes a myriad of physical, spiritual, mental and other unnecessary emotional pain and trauma. Which must be released, and expressed in healthy ways. A lot of the time and energy goes into resistance itself when just over its mountain, lies a valley of freedom – which sounds incredibly cheesy, but it must be experienced to be known.

I have a deep knowing that right now, in this moment, this second, everything is perfect just as it is. I know this as a truth. Yet at the same time, I can feel everything. But I am okay. I know I am being guided – also as a truth. The drive that makes me do what I do, that makes me leave some lives behind and pursue others. That drive that makes me follow my path, even when it rips my heart to unrecognisable shreds. That drive that knows, there is more out there for me. That drive pulls me forward, every time. 

And this guidance it comes within. Always, there is nowhere else it can truly be found. Others and the work from them can add to and inspire our wisdom, but what we need, will always be as unique as our DNA. 

Some may pray to the heavens, but for those who feel as I do, will agree that “God” lives within (a word I do not associate with as it is skewed by human perceptions, most of which are incorrect, ignorant or biased). The “God” I refer to is simply – the divine miracle of existence. Of life itself. In the micro in every atom and subatomic particle, to the macro in how this all weaves together in a cosmos of magic, like in the dance of how the stars were born. THE Cosmos. How is that not a miracle? How is that not divination right there?

And the “god” in humanity. In our inner core beings. In our souls/ spirits / intuition – that “god”. Some may call it your “inner guide” or “inner knowing” – it pulls me forward, no matter how much I don’t understand the path ahead or why I must take this journey, I feel guided.

This trust in knowing, perhaps it’s “spiritual”, perhaps it’s metaphysical, perhaps it’s simply psychological. But I feel there is a force there guiding me (my inner guide/intuition) and this force is love, there is no fear there, it’s a force that knows that fear is an illusion, and all fear-based thinking is. It believes in miracles. And dreams. And enchantment. And if that makes me Spiritual As Fuck – so be it!

After my cry, I got up, walked home, washed my face, and decided to write.

For anyone who is facing anything, from absolute horrors to feeling out of alignment, to a slight disagreement with anyone or anything – know that what you need you already have within you. That going inwards is where there is peace, bliss and indefinite love. That the voice in your head, commonly known as The Ego, is just that – your ego! That underneath that is the centre of your well-being where anything is possible. That underneath the illusions, there is only love. That the present moment is the only one in which we exist. That you are not your mind (the ego), your body, your illnesses, your problems, your struggles, your addictions – you are so much more. That’s what I believe is the “soul” or human “spirit” or even divine “Spirit” – it is YOU. 

Just stop. Sit in silence, and listen.

Can you feel the magic? If not – look a little closer, listen a little harder, and feel a little deeper. 

With huge love – especially to those who know who they are I have referred to above.



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