Happy, confused, and kinda horny

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I feel like I can’t take another step, breathe another breath, live another day – until I write everything out. This started with ‘Morning pages’ in my journal: a three page stream of consciousness writing practice where you get all the funk out of your mind, and turn it into ink on a page – then shut the journal and get on with your day feeling a little lighter, with all the shit in hidden away on those pages.

But today, I need to write out more – and I feel freer writing via my Mac, than in my journal (Millennial)

Right now: I feel happy, confused and kinda horny. Plus, a myriad of other feelings but that won’t make a catchy title. It’s one week away from my 28th birthday, the perfect time for (yet another) existential crisis (hello familiar “friend”).

Confused

Almost a year earlier, I had a proper crisis – resulting in the peak moment of tears all day as every.single.area (work, home, relationships, friendships, finances etc) were essentially: totally fucked, toxic, out of alignment, or no longer serving me.

This year: I wanted to get really clear on what I wanted in life and then bring it into reality. What has happened has been so different than what I could have expected, and now: I’m more confused than ever! Ha.

So, I have no doubt that I can live ANY kind of life I wish. I did some Big Dreaming earlier on in the year. If ANYTHING was possible, what would I do? What would I look like? I didn’t hold back. Globally recognised expert: tick. New York Times bestseller: sure! A TED talk: why not aye. I have like a 10-page doc with these dreams – a vision board, all written as if it’s real, 6 and 3 monthly goals, weekly priorities, daily schedule etc.

So, I followed down that path – and now realise: I do not really want many of those things on that vision board at all. I do not connect with it. Whereas a few months ago I was like OMG Y.E.S. This year, I’ve been surrounded by entrepreneurs, TED speakers, inspiring people – and it’s been amazing! But turns out, after all, maybe I don’t want those things for me.

Because many of those things I wanted were still forms of external validation. Very stereotypical forms of “success” – which of course does not align, as that’s not who I am, nor has it ever been. I do not give a fuck about writing a best selling book or having a TED talk – in fact, I don’t want that.

I have more than enough knowledge now to start up my own business. Pretty much everyone I talk to on a daily basis (friends, clients, people in the community) are running their own businesses. In fact, there’s no one in my daily life right now that isn’t. I really thought I wanted this and threw myself in! And what I’ve learnt really has been incredible. I have no doubt I can be successful in that sense if I want it. It’s completely do-able. The two people I chatted to yesterday (a friend, a client) run 6 figure businesses. They did it. I can do it too without any doubt in my mind. I know the steps of how to get started.

But, do I want to? Right now – absolutely fucking not. I have seen first hand the sacrifices made to create and run these businesses. And right now: I don’t want that.

Right now, I want to move home to New Zealand, meet a hot farmer, make relish and pick strawberries, and have a baby. Like to me, that right now seems FAR more appealing than having a booming business, living big dreams, and constant international travel.

But also, that’s not me either (I’m not going to do that lol it’s just yet another romanticised fantasy) – as I know in a matter of weeks I would feel trapped, constricted and like there’s more out there for me (because there is).

So: I am confused. Which as a friend said to me yesterday, that’s a really GOOD place to be. Feeling lost is a good place to be. Because it means you can (have to!) question everything, and possibilities are completely open. When you’re going down a path of clarity, everything else falls away, sometimes those things that fall away can be great too, but you can’t see them as you have a clear path ahead – and anything not on that path can fuck right off. SO you have to be REALLY SURE this is what you do want!

There are so many lives I could live. So many countries I could live in. So many businesses I could start. So many hobbies I could have. So many passions I could follow. So many guys I could date. So many friends I could spend my time with. SO.MANY.OPTIONS! We are so incredibly lucky but also cursed by this. I’m in a phase now where I need to get clear as fuck on what I do and don’t want before I proceed, so I don’t end up down another rabbit hole of external pursuits. There’s been nothing wrong with that either – I don’t regret anything and am wholehearted on my path, whatever it entails at the time – but about month ago I realised how much I deeply needed to say NO to every fucking thing that wasn’t amazing, every fucking thing that I didn’t really want to do. Because, if I fill my life will stuff that I kinda like but not ADORE – then there’s no room for the stuff I adore. As we can only do so much.

Another reason I love confusion: If everything I had wanted this year at certain times came into fruition (e.g. big paying clients) I would have settled into that and not push myself to CONSTANTLY ask myself what it is I really want. I would have gotten comfortable with my current state, whereas this year has been uncomfortable as fuck. Since what I want has already changed about 78 times this year, I now think it’s always going to be in a state of flux. Because I am. Because life is. So I’m always going to be questioning, striving and creating. Maybe it’s just who I am. 

Seriously, what I wanted even just ONE WEEK ago, is completely different to what I want today. Who was I a week ago? Everything moves so strangely here. For example in the last week in a work sense; I lost one client as we no longer align, I let go of another, and I started working with a new one. I’ve had three other opportunities come my way (sitting on them all at the moment before I feel aligned enough to make a nourishing decision). And that’s just in my work life. I realised: I can only be surrounded by abundant thinking go-getting people – especially with work. I feel CLEAR that these now are the kind of people I want to be working with. People making big moves! 

This year, I threw myself in to ‘Dream Chasing’ and have experienced more growth in the last six months, than (ever?). It’s “saved me time” as I wholeheartedly followed dreams, and now know, many I thought I wanted are not for me: rather than half-assing on the side which would have taken 2-3 times as long. This Dream Following has been my ENTIRE life this year. And now, I have FAR more things on my NO list now (this is where I believe the real power is, knowing what we don’t want, and knowing what we are willing to sacrifice and don’t want to sacrifice.)

Happy

Firstly, I’m not sure if it’s just me because I’m at this phase in my life, but I’m REALLY seeing this need everywhere to have things figured out, to be living your purpose (especially through a career). I think it’s the Curse Of Our Generation. We can literally live any life we choose, and people around us (either actually, or on Instagram, or on TV etc) are living incredible lives! We can run our own businesses. We can travel constantly. We can live almost anywhere we choose (albeit for X amount of time, but still). Overwhelmed much?

Yes, this comes from a place of uncertainty. But I am feeling like, and hearing from many people in my life (even the “successful ones”) that they don’t really know what they want. To me: this is NORMAL!

Where’s this pressure coming from? It’s completely saturised (not a word but I like it) and socialised around us. Don’t get me wrong: people who are living their purpose (appear to be) happy and fulfilled. I’m just saying, it’s not viable in all cases – and for me, I have realised: I most likely will not find my purpose, happiness, or fulfilment in my career. It’s just not me. It’s not who I am. 

I’ve been quite influenced by Elizabeth Gilbert this year (yes, I am a walking, breathing, living cliche I know) and mostly her attitude to work and creativity. She didn’t quit her day job until she had written three novels (some of which were bestsellers). Her passions were not entwined with making money. For some people, they really need this to be entwined in a holistic way (making money through your passions)- and that’s great too! It’s just not for everyone, is all.

So under all of this confusion: I am actually happy. I am happy with what I’ve achieved this year. I am happy that I’ve pushed myself. I’m happy that I got outside of my comfort zone. I’m happy I’ve met everyone who I’ve met. I’m happy I’ve had the opportunity to work with all of the amazing women I’ve worked with. I’m happy I live on a tropical island right now ha. I am happy for what has been, and what is to come. I am happy for the journey I’ve been on and the path I’ve walked. I’m happy about the decisions I’ve made.

Confusion is another kind of uncertainty

And we all know we don’t like uncertainty. I literally could not give one tiny fuck now about the uncertainty of my financial situation right now and how I’m going to pay three months of upcoming rent. Because I know it will work out. And because, when I lost both bank cards a couple of weeks ago and had no access to cash: things worked out. And because: when my bank account hit zero twice this year: things worked out. So that uncertainty now is just like “whatever”, I don’t feel stressed about it – which I am PROUD of – as I DO NOT want money to rule my life. I’ve hit bottom financially at certain points: and it wasn’t that bad! It wasn’t really bad at all. What was bad was any stress I created around it. But I wasn’t homeless. I wasn’t short of food. Like nothing bad happened AT ALL. In fact, it just added more depth to myself and my life, as I can handle these situations now with far more ease and grace. 

However, it has resulted in me making some decisions – such as overworking, taking on low budget clients, and choosing work over exploring – but that’s a process I needed to go through. Low budget clients have fallen away as they no longer align, and I’m finding myself more and more being connected with people with an abundant mindset.

Also: I could have made more money easily. I could have taken a remote job! For example. There are many ways I could have made more money – but it wasn’t really about that. It’s been a process of learning and aligning myself only with those I want to align with at the time. 

So, I’m LEANING INTO my confusion. I’m letting myself feel it. I know I can’t make any further decisions until I am aligned, but first: I can’t push away that I’m feeling this. I need to feel it, sit in it, and let it flow through me. I need to hold myself in a PLACE OF FEELING GOOD in this confusing time. I need to look at ALL THE FUCKING AMAZING STUFF! Seriously: I live in a villa that overlooks rice fields – out my window right now I see palm trees, the warmth is surrounding my body, I have a pool I can lay by all day if I want, lovely friends to hang out with today. But, that hasn’t stopped me being caught up in the BS in my mind!

In some respects: What I did want came to life, I am living some of my dreams. But, I’m not as fulfilled as I thought I would be. Firstly, I hardly acknowledged myself for what I have manifested (amazing people! international travel! completely flexible schedule! the fact I’ve created a life that I don’t need to set an alarm clock for. tropical island life!). Secondly, I realised some of the things I thought were fucking amazing a few months ago, I barely bat an eye at now. Everyone here has a business. So many people I meet have thousands of followers on social media. People are making big time money. Everyone is travelling constantly. This is standard, my new normal life: and it’s not any more fulfilling than any other versions of my life I have lived. So, I thought I wanted some of these things: but underneath, I still feel exactly the same. These are all external mirages of “success”. 

How much energy am I expelling TRYING to figure things out? All I need to do it LET THE CONFUSION EXIST. And when the time is right, I’ll step back into alignment with another level of clarity. Decisions FLOW from a place of alignment, but I’m okay with not having that right now. There’s so much good in my life, and I’m going to be in this space of confusion (which is actually growth and up-levelling) many, many times in my life – so today, I welcome it.

As a friend says: It’s a period of destruction, before creation. It’s a death of the self, before the new birth. It’s a PROCESS.

What I do know

I wrote out my ‘dream day’ the other day and it was so completely different to my (old) Big Dreams. It was very simple (lots of chill time, hot sex, intimacy, slow start to the day, connection with friends/family, cooking, sex, learning, reading, a few hours of work, an afternoon off, did I say sex? and an evening in and early bedtime lol!). Nothing much exciting about that. No book writing. No TED talk prepping. No team to manage. No travel. 

I do know however that I DO want financial abundance. This may sound conflicting to the above as I don’t want my life to be about money – it’s not about money. BUT in order to have the time to NOT WORK I do need a certain amount of financial abundance to allow me that. I don’t want to spend all my days working – I just don’t. No matter who it’s for (myself or the most impactful amazing person in the entire world), no matter if it’s going to positively impact others, no matter if it’s going to change lives: I just don’t. Because: I just can’t. My happiness is not in my work – and I know I need a lot of free time to be happy and fulfilled – and if I am going to impact other positively in any way, it can only come from this space.

So yes, I want to work less (I haven’t actually worked full time since Feb) and earn more. So YES, YES, YES to financial abundance!

The ONLY other thing that REALLY lights me up right now in this confusing time: is talking about going to, and living in different places. I almost wish I didn’t want this, as I personally find it much harder than the Marry A Farmer and Make Relish life. But: I do want it (goddammit).

I’ll be home for Summer – pretty much just processing all the crazy shit I’ve been through here ha! And then, I’ll be prepping myself up to book more one-way tickets. Next summer I’ll be in Europe (no idea how yet, but I will be) and am feeling very drawn to Italy (all over!), Paris (I don’t care what people say – I fucking love it), and Spain (tapas full stop). Right now – I couldn’t do it. I could not move somewhere else right now no fucking way, I need home. But once I’ve reset – I’ll be booking my next flight. This is actually what I live for right now. 

And kinda horny…

I mean, obviously (/always). But this year hasn’t been The Year of Sex for me, except for with myself which I’ve been going to fucking town on. With everything else going on in my life, I haven’t had space or energy for a lot of dating (I’ve dabbled, and the sex I have had has been fucking amazing – thank you!) but I haven’t been ready to actually date anyone that could possibly turn into something more. Until now. I’m ready, but I’m not stuck on it either. In the meantime, I’ll keep masturbating like a nymphomaniac…. (brb…joking. kinda).

Oh, also something else I do know: I want to start writing more about sex and relationships! It’s seriously my favourite topic.

I have far more to say – but all I’ve eaten so far is a mango and I’m hungry. And I want coffee. Another realisation this year: My life is better caffeined. That’s not a habit I’m going to change again. I joked last week I should have written a book titled ‘[Life] Realisations from Ubud, 2018’ – as there has been so fucking many.

Signing off,

Happy, confused, and kinda horny:

Rhe

xx

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