Fuck this shit, with love x

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Finally, I’ve carved out the time to write again. Usually, now it comes when I feel so stuck in my thoughts, but I have no choice but to write them out before I get so frustrated I throw a piece of papaya in the face of the next person who says “conscious living” to me.

So yes, resilience is low. I just wrote a half a page rant on pseudo spirituality but decided perhaps it’s best to keep those thoughts to myself. So deleted those paragraphs are. So I put on some jazz, am sitting in my bed wearing only panties (I feel more creative half naked listening to 1920’s jazz) and am alchemising my way through some sticky thoughts and feelings. Okay! Here goes!

And real talk: I need to be real here, because why else do I write, especially when only a handful of people might read this so if I wasn’t being frankly honest, it would be not being honest with myself.

The last three months have been hard. They have been challenging. And there’s been a few times I’ve wanted to throw it all in, pack my bags, move home and say “fuck it, I drink alcohol, barely do yoga, rant about bullshit, and love filthy one night stands and that doesn’t make me any ‘less whole'”, to the next ‘spiritual person’ who walks by even though they are completely harmless and it’s entirely my own issues being triggered and nothing what so ever to do with them.

But the challenges: well, my life here has mostly been work, work, work, work, mother fucking work. Because: I (probably foolishly) moved here with only like one thousand dollars (rent is 4 to 6 hundred a month), no work locked in apart from 6 hours a week, and a “trust things are going to work out”, having never been self-employed before. I’m constantly dancing between excitement, enthusiasm, to teetering on the edge of burn out.

It’s all worked out, of course, and everything I’ve learnt has been invaluable and worth every single challenge to date. But I mean, it certainly hasn’t been all drinking coconuts in the sun, enjoying blissful yoga classes, kissing cute strangers under palm trees and going on adventures with interesting people; although that has been a part of it too. It’s been an exciting, but exhausting as fuck, adventure. 

And work: I am insanely grateful! And also proud of myself might I add. Sometimes I have to remember to consciously acknowledge what I’ve learnt, what I’ve created for myself, and the way I’ve handled this process by trusting (with love) like my life depends on it – this is actually one of the best ways to do it for me, trusting because I have no choice but to trust. And I’ve found work I LOVE, working with very incredible and beautiful humans, and I’ve found my skills, knowledge and experience can actually help them. That I do actually know what I’m talking about and what I’m doing. That I’ve found my strengths and weaknesses. That I’m getting to know my rhythms and when and how I work best: like not mornings, no siree. I need that time for myself to get myself into a good mindset before I actually start my day. I also need to balance my work time, with upskilling time, with chilling time, so a couple of weeks ago I had to turn down four clients in one week (eek!) so I could focus wholeheartedly on my current ones (even though I would have made way more money working for these ones too).

Note to self and all who read this: we could all do with acknowledging ourselves more! We place such high exceptions on ourselves. This year I’ve been lucky to surrounded by TED speakers, business owners, incredible entrepreneurs and all sorts of passionate people doing both conventional and unconventional wonderful things, making money on their terms, and even they don’t give themselves credit. I haven’t done x, x, or x – my failures include x, x, and x – yes, but look at what you HAVE created! It god damn amazing I have to say babe. Plus, I’ve very much realised the life of an entrepreneur is (in layman’s terms) a) hard b) full of things ‘not working out’, those ‘failures’ c) constant learning and growing d) exhausting e) very, very exciting.

And money: well, I’ve hit bottom a couple of times. I have money coming, but I don’t have a salary, and I’ve been working a lot ‘sorting all this out’ to get to this point. What are my skills, who can I serve, how much should I charge, how do I actually go about doing this. But also I have been eating out at every meal ha. Because I live and work alone, so if I stayed at home working and cooking all day I would have lost the plot after month two. I think usually it’s probably best to have a day job to pay the bills during this transition period – that of which I did not.

The low point: left one of my bank cards at an ATM (was recovering from absolutely savage Bali belly and still half delusional from dehydration), used up my last pay for kind-of-late-to-buy-flights out of Indo (visa run) and received funds into Paypal, but the funds were blocked for 21 days since it was a new account. Fuck! I said. And shamefully had to call both Mum and Dad to see if they could hook me up for the time being – crisis mode, I can’t leave the country in three days with $100 since my money is locked up in two accounts, and I bloody hate to ask, but desperate times and they very lovingly supported me (to be paid back in full, of course). “The idea is that you were meant to be supporting me?” my Dad joked – love him. So yes, I’m very almost (fook) 28 and just asked my parents for a (temporary) small payout. But I do have steady cash flow finally now, the last time was February when I received my last (maybe forever?!) salaried pay. Of course, nothing is guaranteed but the whole thing really about this is: I now know how to make my own money. And if I’ve done it once with no savings from a small island in Indonesia, with no idea how the fuck to do it, with dodgy wifi and three bouts of debilitating acute gastro, I can absolutely without a doubt do it again.

And dating: Well! I would LOVE to tell you all about this, but until I start writing anon on other platforms (soon, soon, soon! I dream to write), I can’t quite yet publicity delve into these details. But let me just say, it’s been interesting, and I’ve uncovered a lot of bullshit beliefs I’ve had about love, dating, romance, sex, relationships. But, I’m still as confused as ever. I’m a total realist (no marriage for me, well certainly no wedding) but a stupidly hopeless romantic (I’ll fantasise about falling in love with you, and we haven’t even met yet). My wonderful friend here/ Bali-bestie and I name all of these men crazy ‘code’ names. Mainly just for fun and the comical value of this, and also because everyone knows everyone here and we are always hanging out and talking about it in public places.

Well actually she names them because she’s a brilliant creative and writer, and I just lol each time. We have: The Spiritual Cowboy, The Punky Namaste, The Robocop, The Naughty Professor, The NSP,  Wall-E, and my favourite is probably Dead Cat Pandora – our ‘emergency text’ for get-out-of-a-date-fast sitchos. ‘Help! I’m worried about my cat Pandora! She doesn’t seem to be breathing. Is she playing dead? Come quick!’. As my friend said last night ‘I feel like Pandora is real. She always has fucked up shit happening to her in the middle of the night’. Poor Pandora. I’m very much enjoying dating and all of the experiences it brings, and all of the lessons I’ve learnt. Honestly, delving into personal development via dating and relationships is incredibly insightful. More to come on this in due course,

And friends: So, this has been interesting also. When you move countries, you meet new people, and when you move again, some of them fall away. That’s life. But lately, I’ve noticed how some of my core friends have fallen away. It’s been unsettling, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t, but after trying to make some friendships work I decided just to give up. Because like romantic relationships, when it comes to friends, I’m not chasing nobody. If it flows, it flows, and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Some of this is just life too, people come and go, move in and out, change and grow, but when you’re someone who wants to continue the friendship and they don’t really care, then well, it kind of sucks. But also, it’s happened to me on the other ‘side of the coin’ too. 

It’s really, I think that we have a limited amount of time, energy and resources to give to others, so of course, we can’t be friends with everyone. But my current friendships and people I am connected too, they go deeper now for sure. And the friends from home pre-London, especially friends I made during uni times, (most) have always been there and I am beyond great for them sticking by me through all the new friends, many of which have disappeared – vanished into thin air now residing in my past, the graveyard of ‘short-term friendships’, or ‘longer-term friendships that no longer work because well simply one person didn’t want to really continue the friendship’. Vanished apart from a token message every now and then, like they never even existed at all. This is totally fine by the way, of course it can sting a little, but – as one person said to me this week about people coming into and out of your life, they often sit in these three categories (as per her philosophy): “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Love it, girlfriend!

And “spirituality”: Living in this ‘spiritual’ hub has now made me almost ‘run for the hills’ whenever the word “conscious” is used now – I say with a cross and holy water. Jokes. But mate, there are some extremes here, which never has suited me. It’s been fascinating, but yeah, there’s a hell of a lot I do not, what so ever, identify with. Which is totally fine, obvi! It’s cool to be exposed to other ways of living, behaving and relating. But for me, well I’m not really changing that much. I’m far too afraid to admit to some soul seekers that this year all I’ve really wanted is ENERGY, SEX AND CASH. Nothing too deep and serious there. Just a good fuck, money I can make on my own schedule in a way that feels good to me, and enough energy to live like how I want to every day. I mean, of course, there’s more to it than that. But past lives, for example, is not really my kinda thang. But if it’s yours, go hard! It’s been amazing to see others experiencing non-conformist ways of living, and it’s helped me ground in my own ideas of “spirtuality” and all that it entails. Which is, I believe, spun to mean something completely different to everyone and is entirely perception based. 

And what I’ve learnt: Far more than I could possibly write in a blog post. But summarised: what if actually, instead of trying to ‘improve’, we are all actually completely ‘perfect’ (As in as good as it is possible to be. Absolute. Complete.)  as we ALL are just right NOW in this very moment, always! What if nothing actually needs to change. What if you don’t need to try harder. Basically, through this process this year on ‘getting clear what I want in life and bringing it into reality’, I know that I was “perfect” (in all my fucked up ways) exactly how I was before all of this, and exactly how I am right now today. I’m always going to be striving for more. I’m always going to be living life in a way that makes me feel like I’m striving towards my ‘potential’. And I’m always going to be doing it in a way that feels best to me today, right now. I’m always going to be expanding my mindset (our greatest asset!), and I always know things are going to come to me when I’m ready.

Always is an absolute, and ‘shouldn’t’ really be used (neither should ‘shouldn’t’ – too many rules!). But what I’m trying to say here is: everything is without a doubt ALWAYS (this time it is 100% certainly absolute) in a state of flux. Of movement. Of change. Of growth. We are humans baby, this is what we do! So, why not enjoy your absolute perfectness right now? That ‘perfectness’ is going to include fears, worries, anxiety, lost dreams, paths not walked down, bad decisions, possibly cocaine, maybe some crazy ex’s, fuck-ups, student loans we probably could have gone without, stresses, that time/s we got too drunk and ‘ruined our lives’, terrible fashion choices, when we told someone to fuck off and regretted it, wasted money – and basically ALL of the stuff that makes us fabulously human! It’s the whole package.

So yep, I’m a basic cliche privileged white girl, who struggles indefinitely with energy levels, is sometimes lazy, often reactive, has had a very tumultuous dating/love life, has consumed far too much alcohol and drugs, has ‘wasted’ a lot of money, and has high exceptions and some entitlement, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY fucking love and appreciate myself anyway.

Yew!

Love yasssssss

With zero fucks and mega love as per,

Rhe

xx

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