My days of numbing are mostly behind me. But, sometimes I still really feel the need to escape. Being alive can be wearying sometimes!
I would numb with alcohol. With drugs. With men. With dating. With sex. With obsessions for love. With obsessions for drama. With obsessions for excitement.
Of course, I didn’t know I was numbing! “I’m not having this fourth happy hour cocktail because I don’t want to take responsibility for my entire life experience and feel all of the dark emotions suppressed inside me” NO, of course not! I was ‘fun-loving’.
“I’m not having this line because I feel like dancing until 7am, making friends with also high strangers who I’ll most likely never talk to again, and to make myself feel young, free and alive, because it’s the only way I know how” NO, don’t be fucking ridiculous. I was a ‘yolo gal’.
“I’m not going on my fourth date with a different guy this month because I cannot even face the gaping hole of pain inside of me from past hurts because the belief system I bought into told me I needed to be ‘in love’ to be happy, whole and complete, and they make me feel interesting, desired and worthy” NO, are you out of your fucking mind! I ‘love hot babes and I love fucking them’ (I do still love them and love fucking them, but you know). I was a ‘dating is my hobby’ kinda gal.
We all have our ways of numbing. Some numb with food. With being constantly busy. With partying until the early hours, every weekend. With working 40+ hour weeks. With always spending time with friends, but never alone. With smoking. And of course, with alcohol, drugs and the relentless ‘search’ for ‘love’ (my poisons of choice).
What are you numbing with? Trust me, you will be. In one way or another. No matter how ‘together’ you are.
Is there anything wrong with numbing? Only if it’s taking you away from really knowing yourself, I think. If it’s taking you out of reality (joy and bliss are actually found in the painfully normal areas of life when you start looking you will see them.) If it means you’re not ‘living your truth’ – yes, the most fluffiest line of all time, but you know what I mean, and what this means to you.
We all need to numb from time to time. This existence can be rooted in suffering. We are humans after all! But, in the words of Buddha (because this guy was clued the fuck up on suffering:)
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is not” – Gautama Buddah
On the other side of numbing. When you feel those underlying feelings. The depths of your inner-ness. There is so much love. This is so much joy. There is so much peace. There is so much BLISS!
So, for now, I am no longer numbing with those poisons, and am finding the new ways I am – as like I said, we never consciously really know we are doing it at the time. Or do we?