Sex, drugs and money

cruelhedWell, actually it’s money, sex and drugs in that order, but everything sounds better with sex at the start (and everything is better with sex at the start, right?).

I just woke up and felt the need to write. I’m not sure what about, in particular (other than some of my favourite topics), I just felt this need to do it. My ‘blogging’ has been far more ad-hoc than when I started writing. It hasn’t been as important to me lately to go ‘outwards’ with my ‘journey’ – god I hate that word so much it sounds so trivial and basic, but also it fits so bear with me until I synonym the shit out of it. I mean, we are all always on a ‘journey’ as painfully awful as that sounds, at all times we are, everything is.

When I started writing it was not with the intention that anyone would read what I wrote either, and my blog Instagram was completely secret. I remember chatting with a friend in March saying I was terrified that anyone would see it! Writing and gramming about what I feel I really want to write about has mostly been a declaration in self-love and self-confidence, helping me push through a fuck load of bullshit insecurities that have held me back for years. And it’s fucking refreshing not giving as many fucks about what anyone thinks anymore. I know that the life and business I want to create will have an element of me ‘putting myself out there’ – so step one was getting through these crazy ego-based fears, so I could actually do just that. I still have stuff to work though, I probably always will the deeper I go!, but it’s really highlighted for me how crippled with self-doubt, fear and insecurities I was – and how I give a lot less fucks about bullshit stuff anymore.

As we’ve hit the six-month mark, I feel a need to reflect. This year has been beyond wonderful so far. Last year was the most emotionally testing and intense year of my life, which resulted in me hitting absolute ‘rock bottom’ – which was utterly crucial in my path forward. If everything hadn’t been completely fucked, then I wouldn’t have needed to make extreme changes.

In January, I sat down with one of my lovely housemates (/beautiful friend), and we wrote our 3,6 and 12 months intentions as if they had already happened. I can’t remember everything on that list, but I remember some things I surpassed way before the 3 or 6 months, some I haven’t at all, but fundamentally at the end of the 12 months I remember this point “I’ve just had the best year of my life”. I definitely feel like that’s the path I’m currently on! But it’s come with many things to ‘sort out’ and work through.

I’ve learnt so much in the last six months, that I can’t even express in words (and could write a fucking book-length post on it) – but there are some central things that have come to the surface lately.

We don’t always get things the way we think we will, but usually, what we end up getting is better, because we don’t really know what we want

With manifesting – or for those who aren’t into it – setting intentions, goals etc – things don’t always come to us the way we think. No matter how much planning, strategising, hoping, dreaming – sometimes things ‘don’t work out’ how we think they will. This is without a doubt (from my own experience) fucking wonderful – because the things we think we want are often based on the current state we are in, which is quite often a ‘normal’ state, rather than a total high vibing ‘extraordinary’ state. So, we go for the realistic dreams, what we think is possible, what makes the most sense.

I’ve written before why realistic goals are SO FUCKING PAINFULLY BORING – and stifle us into a world of aching normality. It’s probably one of my biggest fears to live a conventional normal life. Although I do know for some, there a so much comfort in normality, there’s security, there’s knowing, there’s support – and I do not want to trivialise what anyone else wants – I’m just saying, when possibilities are limitless, the things you want to change, and well, possibilities ARE limitless. It’s just our seriously fucked (yet fascinating!) human minds that hold us back.

And do you really know what you want? Everything I thought I once wanted that hadn’t worked out that way, I’ve ‘moved up’ to another level of wanting more. Whether it be a job, a relationship, a friendship – the next one after lifted my exceptions and worth of being able to say actually yes, I want more now, and believe, yes I deserve it and will get it.

What I’m trying to say here is: if things don’t work out, that’s a fricken ‘blessing’, because more often than not something even better will come along. I’ve learnt to now be open to the BEST possible outcome, and it may not come to me the way I think it will, in fact, it most likely won’t! What we want is based on what we want now, which will grow as we grow. And not knowing what we want – that’s okay (and normal!), just keep taking steps forward and making the best choices for now, and as you grow, what you want will grow too, and what you receive will grow too.

The things on my list that haven’t even scratched the surface? Turns out they weren’t really a priority right now. Turns out I can only do so much in a day, week, month. Turns out I’ve learnt far much more than ‘getting’ all those things, such as practising trust, flow, self-care, alignment, joy and knowing it’s okay to re-prioritise, re-direct, or change my mind completely, whenever the fuck I want.

Uncertainty is a practice

On the other side of the comforts of normality is a fuck load of uncertainty, which is extremely testing! Especially when you’ve mostly lived your life on the ‘safe’ side. It takes practice to be okay with uncertainty, and I’ve definitely felt it very testing, but I’m getting okay with this discomfort for now, and I know as I progress, it will become more and more ‘comfortable’. I just know it’s worth it. I just know I have to do it. I have to live my life in the way I truly want. It’s not an option anymore not to. I just know so deeply now how precious this exquisite life is. How we really might not be here in 5 years, let alone tomorrow. How that the human experience can be heart-wrenching at times, and my-whole-body-tingles with the miraculous wonder of being, at other times. So, without knowing how to express this in words, I need to live a wholehearted life and won’t settle for anything less than that, because – we only have this one chance to do it! We need to make the most of our current situations and keep making shit happen for ourselves. I need to keep asking myself: If I only had 5 years left to live, what would I do then? How would I live then? What really matters then?


Money is just money, and it’s a form of energy

Currently, I have no idea if I can afford my rent next month. I have no idea what so ever how much money I’ll make in the next few weeks. But, I have enough today, I have enough this week, I have enough this month – and that’s enough for me right now. And I’ll keep taking the aligned steps forward and hustling, but with zen, and trust that I will receive.

Journeying into self employment without hardly any savings or ANY financial security and things not panning out the way I had planned at all, have pushed me to examine my extremely self limiting beliefs when it comes to money and abundance, have made me live for the day, have made me exercise my creativity, have made me really look after myself, have made me learn about burning out, productivity and time management and have made me ask – is this really the right decision and path for me to go down right now career-wise? What is it that I REALLY want? How can I start doing deeply want that, right now? I half-started up two self-employment businesses, but didn’t progress. I went quite deeply down one path (hours and hours and hours and hours of work), realising actually, this is just a ‘bridging’ gap as to where I REALLY want to be, so I need to re-direct and go down another path that feels right for me right now.

I wouldn’t have got any of these realisations if I had financial security as I wouldn’t be stretched to make decisions and take action right NOW. Jumping right the fuck in with no idea how the fuck I’m going to do it or what’s going to happen has been (self-imposed!) stressful as fuck, but I’ve learnt so much more than I ever would have been able to otherwise. I’ve also had to keep reminding myself: money is just fucking money. It comes, and it goes. It’s essentially a form of energy. We attach so much to money. But it’s just a facilitation avenue. And for some, it’s a piece of fucking paper (/ digital numbers) that rules their life. When you don’t have money, you’re forced to ask: what REALLY matter?

But money is also opportunity

Money is a HUGE topic which I’m currently investigating deeper. I want to learn a fuck load more about how the rich get and stay rich, investing, taxes, and break through all my limiting beliefs. What I’ve realised: actually yes I do want financial abundance. This is even difficult for me to say since the last two years I’ve worked with non-profits and I feel almost guilty wanting money when there are children in the world dying because they don’t have access to the most basic healthcare, food or shelter. So this has tested me on a personal ethical level. I want to make an impact, I want to help others, but I also fucking love five star hotels, fine dining, high-quality clothes and overpriced champagne.

This is weird for me, as I deeply value community, service, sustainability – and essentially hate all things to do with FMCG, mass consumerism and ‘greedy’ capitalism. As a full-blown lefty, this has felt very, very strange for me. BUT the more financial abundance I have, the more people I can impact. The more doors that will open. More possibilities will arise. Honestly, I’m almost ashamed here to even write that I want money! No wonder I don’t fucking currently have any ha. My money beliefs are completely contradictory, and I am working through them. But to live the life I really want to live, an element of financial abundance comes into it for sure. I can’t travel the world constantly without any, especially as I only want to say in my own places and eat amazing food – no hostels or unnourishing food for me soz (NotSorry). Can I be deeply committed to social change, making a positive impact, and also enjoy all that money brings? Why is it usually one or the other? Whose belief system have I been buying into here..? It’s not mine, as what I want is different from what the outside world shows me what this means. I’ll be digging deeper here with more independent thinking to come!

Anyone who has transitioned into self-employment will most likely know the strange feeling of financial uncertainty in the early stages, but also the possibilities of financial abundance – that you just can’t really get being an employee, and can only really get by starting your own business or being a part of one.

*NOTE: hugely generalising here, I have no children in my care, parents to look after etc – so please note this is my own thoughts only on what’s right for me, and I would never, ever want to minimise anyone else struggle. In fact just FYI all of my posts are about what I’m currently experiencing and relating to my life decisions, I’m not trying to dish out advice, just sharing things I’ve learnt and what’s on my mind. Only you will know what’s right for you (obvi!) x

SEX (and romantic relationships)

We will always be completely alone, in one way or another

The last couple of months have been a full blown deep dive into all of my experiences, thoughts and beliefs around romantic relationship and sex, and how they intertwine. I have too much to say on this topic (my favourite topic – ALWAYS), so will try to keep this short (which is difficult for an over-writer like me).

I could write some generic bullshit here on you can only find deep love when you fully love yourself blah blah blah, we’ve heard it all before, and yes, we know. I’m far more interested in WHY we even feel we want and need romantic relationships in our western world, especially considering it’s a relatively modern concept starting around 1750 with the Romanticism Period, and is completely intertwined with capitalism (hello Hollywood blockbusters). Although the ‘need’ to be in a relationship goes back to times of Plato. I’ve become extremely sceptical – and cynical! – about the pursuit of ‘seeking’ romantic love, especially as a form of self-fulfillment.

What about this: What if we are literally (!) ‘sold’ this idea that to be completely happy and fulfilled we need to be ‘in love’, and that happiness is often based on your ‘success’ with love. Don’t even get me started on how the pursuit of happiness itself is a new concept in Western human history either. What if, yes love does exist – but actually it’s EVERYWHERE. What if we are ‘seeking’ an elusive concept that is based on a complete fantasy. What if relationships are actually fucking hard work and that ‘love’ has more to do with compassion, understand and companionship – over feelings of wholeness, self-completion and self-fulfilment.

It’s always going to be ‘just you’. A lot of relationships end (google it…), people die, things change. This might sound cynical as fuck, but it’s the truth. Pouring energy into our relationship with ourselves is the most important thing you could ever do (I believe), as everything is perceived based on our current thoughts and state of mind – so to me, nourishing and expanding that is the most important thing I could do with my time for myself. No one can even make you whole, complete, or fulfilled, only you can do that for you. I say all this because I spent years seeking external validation and fulfilment from others, only ended up heartbroken as fuck – which I now take complete and full responsibility for, as I created all of these experiences myself.

I’m reading a book on the history of marriage (I’m a complete sceptic on it!) and find the whole wedding industry slightly terrifying, a bit confusing, and personally don’t really get it at all to be honest. But I am ALSO a fucking hopeless romantic! NOTHING to do with weddings here for me, but intimacy. I dream of ‘falling in love’. I am addicted to infatuation, passion and the excitement of love. I’ve fallen in love many times, so I know it’s addictive and exciting pull. And how everything is a little bit shiny and brighter when you’re in love. Because someone is reflecting your wholeness right back at ya. Because someone loves and accepts you as you are. Because on a chemical level it’s been proven to have the same effects as cocaine (and I fucking love cocaine). I’m addicted to the excitement and possibility – which is how I live my life and I don’t know how to live it without being excited by the possibility of extreme wonder and joy. But with romantic relationships, comes a whole lot of internal emotional shit.

So yes, I do want a relationship. I want intimacy. I want connection. I want fun. I want adventure. I want passion. And oh my fucking god I want sex! Crazy amounts of it. But – I don’t believe in the concept of ‘forever’. Now that I don’t buy into it, I wonder how and why I ever did. Humans and relationships are incredibly complex, and in reality: why can’t we just enjoy things for what they are? Why do we need the validation to have someone tell us they 1) want to be with only us (everyone wants to fuck other people SURELY?!! The thought of sleeping with one person for the rest of my life literally makes me feel ill – and SO trapped!) 2) live in this pressure and expectation that we SHOULD have some form of commitment. Why do we/ I even want this? Where does this come from? And where will this belief take me? This is an area I’m currently spending a lot of time thinking and talking about.

And with sex: this has been a tricky one for me this year. I’ve always had a pretty healthy and chill relationship with sex (as far as I’m concerned) and can and have enjoyed it for what it is. And while last year as SO much fun, I went into this year wanting deeper connections (even for hot one night stands, which I fully fucking love by the way and am not ashamed to say it!), but even with casual sex, or something more, there is often emotional ties based on past stories. My stories revolve around rejection, not being accepted exactly as I am, and feelings of not being worthy (this is common as fuck by the way but no one likes talking about it). So, I had to take myself out of the dating game (a game I played like it was a profession last year) while I do some inner healing. But then, I realised, every person I met, every person I sleep with, every infatuation I have, actually helps me dig deeper into these beliefs and break through past stories and ‘clear’ the path. Sex and relationships, even though emotionally tumultuous!, can be the most wonderful way to learn more about ourselves, deepen our relationships with ourselves – and essentially, enjoy the wonder, beauty, kindness, softness and love in another – no matter how long it lasts, from a few hours to a few years. With self sex, I’ve found throwing out my vibrator VERY liberating and also worthwhile as fuck (see other blog post on sex). Definitely recommend it! I can’t really imagine going back to one now.

BUT I’ve been settling. I want deep connections, but I’ll take ‘what I can get’, and settle with instant gratification. So I’m trying a new approach which is getting a lot more clear on my thoughts, beliefs and stories around love and sex, and from the get-go being comfortable with wanting what I actually want. Breaking through these beliefs I’ve had for years and years is empowering, scary and confusing – but I’m going to continue to go deeper and question everything I think I currently know and ask myself if this is the belief I really want?


Being bad is addictive, and thrilling 

Damn, I wrote far to much on money and sex that I’ll have to briefly touch on drugs (another fave topic of mine). So, I had five months sober this year, and was actually happier than I ever have been! Last month, I chilled out a bit and had a few drinks and was like what the actual fuck was I thinking giving up alcohol and drugs?! I fucking LOVE alcohol and drugs. And then I had a crazy blow out and overindulged (alcohol only, no drugs alas) and it threw me off in every respect for a whole week! A WEEK!

When it comes to me and alcohol and drugs, my inner wild child who LOVES being ‘bad’ comes out and wreaks fucking havoc on my life. I have this intense pull to be ‘bad’, to drink too much, to do lines off a strippers rack (I haven’t, but I would), and kiss bad boys (my ultimate weakness). Rebelling is so much fucking fun, has such a draw, but is extremely addictive. Essentially, it makes me feel alive – very quickly and easily. And this is what I always am deeply striving forward, to feel alive, but really I need to find more long-term sustainable healthier options that don’t fuck up my life! But are just as exciting….as I’m not willing to let go of the excitement and the fun. Balance with drugs and alcohol for me is one of the hardest things ever and is a work in progress for sure. Don’t get me wrong, there will be champagne (fave), drugs (probably hopefully only psychedelics now) and strip clubs (fucking love them, seriously) in my future – but for now, I’ve had to take another break! I don’t yet trust myself to not fall completely off the fucking rails and get back to my bad gal ways.

I’m sooo done with hangovers, ‘wasting’ money, not remembering what I said, self-doubt etc and I feel a lot happier, like A LOT, happier without alcohol and drugs in my life right now (cries!!!). I’m far too ‘yolo’ of a person to not take it to the extreme – for now. The problem I had with London was that coke was so easily accessible, even if I didn’t buy it, I was offered it. And you know that feeling at the start of the night when you rail up a big juicy line and inhale the deliciousness and get that rush, and then it starts kicking in? I love that feeling so fucking much, far too much.

But how can I feel deeply happy, emotionally balanced, and start and run my own business if I don’t feel physically my best? Answer: I can’t. I have friends who are bloody brilliant at knowing their limits and not going past them and enjoy the best of both worlds, but for me, even though I’ve tried SO many times, I struggle with it so much. With my last blow out, my self-criticism and thoughts came back so strongly, that I realised – a lot of the problems I’ve had in my life have been due to alcohol (and a little bit drugs, but mostly alcohol). Really! It turn my ego into overdrive and it’s very difficult for me to love myself when I get fucked up in the weekends (or during the week too in my peak times of ‘bad’). Without it, I’m so much more happy, clear, balanced, healthy, driven etc.

I’m very much looking forward to the day I can healthily balance it, but for now, sobriety (as fucking boring as it is, is EXTREMELY nourishing) is for me. Luckily there’s hardly any bars, not a drinking culture, no easily accessible drugs in Bali (and being wired but have nowhere to go but rice fields isn’t quite the same as having a city with babes to explore ya know), so it’s pretty easy for now to abstain… TBC.

I’m up to V3 of balance now for me. Maybe there isn’t really a balance after all. Maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe we just need to keep re-aligning and making the right choices for us right now for this day only. For some that will be: financial security, marriage, dating, seeking love, obtaining from love, all the sex, none of the sex, drugs, sobriety, partying, nights in alone, nights out with friends. Untimely, it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it feels good for you right now whenever you’re at. I’ve been at all the stages of wanting different things in different times in my life, and I know this will change, possibly quite a lot, possibly not much at all, from where I am now. But the uncertainty? Well, it’s kind of exciting right…?!

With all the love, possibilities, and real talk,


(Soz for the typos cbfs fixing them and for using grammar how ever the fuck I want i.e. not grammatically correct!)

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