Epiphanies​ and shit

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After a few months of digging deep into personal development / figuring out what I want in life / how to make myself truly happy/ spiritual shit etc, I’ve had a few realisation moments.

For me, realisations often come after a time of challenge, struggle, confusion, discomfort or newness (I refer to these as ‘contrasting experiences’). When I’m in a comfort bubble of normality when things are tracking along pretty much the same, I don’t tend to have quite the same realisations – like the ones that change the course of my life or hit me on a extremely deep emotional level, or shift my mindset or make me drop or create new habits.

I feel like I’m in a constant state of ‘transition’ this year – I mean, life always is in a state of ever-changing flux, but this year more so than ever. I’m learning, learning, learning, growing, growing, growing, pivoting, pivoting, pivoting, letting go, letting go, letting go. I really feel this year I’m going deeper than I ever have before, to feel into things like I never have before and to get clear on things like I never have before. So yeah, I’ve learnt a shit load along the way.

My London life seems so long ago, even though I only left four months ago! Even my time in Perth and Melbs seems like a different lifetime, and I haven’t even been here in Bali for two months yet (but coming up!). I could write a fucking novel on what I’ve learnt and my experiences thus far, but I’ll keep it short-ish and sweet-ish with the most pressing ideas and epiphany’s (or whatever) first.

Life is about relationships!

People are everything. They are what makes life worth living, fighting for and enjoying. Relationships on every level – family, friends, romance, business, is what it’s all about, right? There’s nothing quite as wonderful as connecting to someone and sharing a moment of human compassion, joy or bliss. This year has NOT been about romantic love for me thus far (but feeling almost ready to open myself up to it again) – after the last two years of craziness, where I was dating like it was a competitive sport! So this year I’m searching for relationships and friendships that nourish me on that soul level.

Relationships, however, are my main trigger point! I’m most blissfully happy when I’m alone and tapping into the ‘enoughness’ of just being. I can feel my most lonely when I’m with other people. Often after spending a chunk of time with people, I get a ‘loneliness hangover’ and feel really weird being alone again. Because I’m someone who is still finding their ‘feet’ in wholeness and worthiness, I need fuck loads of alone time. Going inwards can only happen when I’m alone – at this stage!

I’m also finding it very, very difficult at the moment to relate to people in a ‘normal’ or superficial level. I want to know what your dreams are! What makes you happy! What your fears, challenges and vulnerabilities are. I want to talk about life and what it means to you and how you’ve perceiving it and navigating your way through it. I want to talk about love, relationships and sex (ALWAYS). I want to talk about money. I want to talk about magic. I want to talk about feelings and emotions. I want to talk about the FUCKING MIRACLE of existence! I really, really struggle to talk about anything else and relating to others in a ‘normal’ way. So I’m currently on a bit of a crossroads really when it comes to relationships. I have a very deep intention to be authentic and real but am constantly challenged by socially perceived ways of interacting with others. This is a fucking glorious lesson and realisation for me, and I’m going to be manifesting some more soulful connections and practising authenticity and vulnerability over and over and over – it’s defo a work in progress at the mo!

Diversity, courage and ‘attracting’ people

So relationships, while what it’s all about, are also the most fucking complex, confusing and sometimes difficult aspect of life too. This year I’ve learnt more than ever just how DIFFERENT people are. And I barely even know! Like I’ve barely even travelled, this is only the fourth country I’ve lived in and I usually hang out with people similar-ish to me. So my diversity experience is pretty low key really. What I have realised though is just how important it is to stick to your ‘truth’ especially when ideas, concepts or ways you want to experience life are challenged by those around you. This to me is SO FUCKING HARD! It takes a fuck load of courage to go against the norm or the group or society or whatever – and this courage I am only just building now.

I am most inspired by those who go against the grain and don’t follow the norm. I look up to those who are like THIS IS WHO I AM deal with it. I like those who push boundaries and barriers. I’m attracted to those who make me view, look or perceive something in a different and beautiful way. Diversity is wonderful, and hard and confronting. I’ve learnt so much this year from people with different life experiences and views than me. I’ve spoken to some pretty incredible people! Those with inspirational TED talk, fuck loads of entrepreneurs and some very intelligent and switched on people (Usually I’m just like say what..??).

Key realisations: Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to get you. You’re not going to vibe with everyone. Some people are going to push your ‘buttons’ and make you question who you are. You attract people based on your current state of mind. You attract people that help you learn, grow and develop. People are, for the most part, fucking magic. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has fears. Everyone is fumbling along in life the best they can. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be loved.

Over the last 2 ish years I’ve attracted a very wide variety of wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful!) people. They have all helped me learn and grow in different ways. They most often mirror what I’m currently seeing and experiencing in life and the ‘phase’ I’m in. We attract people to us. I attracted many fuck boys when I was feeling all ‘graspy’ and subconsciously needy for love and affection when I wasn’t feeling whole in who I was. I attracted drama when I was creating it. I attracted inspirational people when I was feeling inspired. I attracted intelligent people when I was in a doing / creating / business mode. I attract soulful connections when I’m tapped into and seek deeply soulful experiences. Realisation: We attract the people we currently have in our life and they are based on our current vibes!

There is nothing harder in this world than (the cliche) ‘Be you’

Fuck me I struggle with this. I’m definitely still building up that self-love, worthiness and getting ready to claim what I mother fucking deserve! Being true to myself has always been, and continues to me, my biggest challenge. I guess my insecurities are mega deep-rooted. I guess confidence comes with time and experience. I guess I’m getting used to being vulnerable again. I feel most like ‘me’ when I’m alone or talking to some soulful friends who I can completely myself with. I’m SO FUCKING OVER trying to be X,X,X,X,X,X,X,X etc. I’m a fucking emotional mess, and I’m getting more and more okay with that. I change my mind often. I fuck up daily. Being authentic is so fucking captivating, but it’s so fucking scary. Putting yourself out there as your ‘authentic self’ (no bullshit, fronts, fakeness, pretending, manipulating, controlling etc) puts you up for judgement, rejection which is terrifying! And for me, self-doubt rises like crazy.

What I’ve learnt here, however, is just how fucking important it is to do this. How important it is to live and experience life on your own terms. How it’s okay to pivot, change direction, or fall off and stumble over often. How every time you speak your truth you are building up that self-compassion and love. I don’t think this is an overnight change. There are times this year when I’ve felt like a badass empowered bitch, and others when I’m an insecure self-doubting anxious mess.

Right now I’m listening to Selena Gomez and I FUCKING LOVE IT! I love trashy chick flicks. I love 90s pop. I love all things sustainability. Elle Woods from Legally Blonde is my idol! I love all things social change. I love all things personal development. I love all things wellness. I love Britney Spears. I love all things SEX! I love all things exploration. I love all things MAGIC! I’m so so so totally uncool! I’m both basic as absolute fuck, and pensively deep and emotional – also as absolute fuck. Getting okay with all of this is a process and a joy and a journey and a practice. Speaking up about things I care about is scary as fuck. But the more I do it, the easier it gets. I still care a lot about ‘what people think’ (core deep-rooted fear!), but a lot less than what I used to. I’m practising ‘being me’ day after day after day after day – and I stumble with this with every new experience, people and relationships, but I’m growing, learning and developing. Whenever I can, I’m bringing in the real vibes. And when I don’t, I feel ‘off’ like something isn’t quite ‘right’ – it’s an ongoing learning.

Life is always right now, it always has been and it always will be

All we ever, ever, ever have is this every moment. All we ever have is today. You can’t live in ‘tomorrow’ as tomorrow never comes, as it will be ‘today’ again by the time it ‘gets here’. We can’t actually live in tomorrow, but our minds ALWAYS do! When you start listening to your crazy fucked up mind, you’ll notice it’s caught up in some bullshit stories about something that is either in the past or the future. Making the most of this moment and day and choosing JOY, LOVE, PEACE, ABUNDANCE and ALL THE GOOD VIBES TODAY has been a huge life changing epiphany for me. We might as well soak up and enjoy everything as much as we possibly can, because in reality (and what we often and always forget) we have no fucking idea how long we are going to be here for to experience this miraculous existence.

This quote is a fucking lovely summary of this concept by Abraham Hicks: ‘Your life is right now! It’s not later! It’s not in that time of retirement. It’s not when the lover gets here. It’s not when you have moved into the new house. It’s not when you get the better job. Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now because it’s not ever going to get better than right now – until it gets better right now!”

The miracle of existence !!! AHHH IT’S SO FUCKING MAGICAL

I think we sometimes get so caught up in our day to day, in our lives drama, in our work, relationships and our constant seeking for more, that the pure miracle of existence slips past up. It really is miraculous that we are even here at all! Like FUCK why do we not talk about this every day! It’s FUCKING AMAZING PEOPLE! That the universe and humans have even developed in his way, and that our ancestors happened to survive to the point where our parents came together to create just us. That we get to be here and experience life. Like WHAT! Take a sec – take one JUICY DEEP breath and see if you can feel it. Can you feel the fucking magic?! Look around you. What do you see. What do you really see. What can you feel. I could cry with the beauty I can see and feel right now. WE ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY! I can’t even express this magic in words – even an overuse of capitals and exclamation marks don’t do it justice. You can only feel this miraculous of existence. Why do we never really talk about this? Why does it slip us by and we get caught up in the bullshit un-real stories in our mind? There’s nothing quite like that feeling when you tap into the wonder of being alive itself. It’s stilling, calming and fulfilling as absolute fuck yew! Tapping into this miraculousness is the LIFEBLOOD OF BLISS! 

We are so privileged!

Since I’m into all things social change, my social feeds are filled with international development news so I’m quite often exposed to the worldly issues that I care deeply about. After working in and for a global international development charity and being exposed to the harsh realities of this world definitely switched my perception on what we have – which is SO FUCKING MUCH! We are almost (or actually are – but I haven’t yet done any research on this) programmed to want more, more, more – and don’t even get me start on mass consumerism (HATE IT)! How often do we tap into the feelings of gratitude and abundance? If you take one moment (and say fuck off to all your crazy – they are defo crazy – thoughts/mind wandering on stories of the past or future) is anything ‘missing’? If you really tap into this then no, NOTHING IS LACKING! Can you tap and feel into all that is whole and complete right now?

I do get really fucked off when people complain about first world shit. I mean, yes there are normal vents and struggles and challenges and everything is relative. BUT COME ON! Look at what you have! You don’t even know. You are so fucking lucky. Stop complaining, seriously. You’re only a victim of this world when you give the world your power and don’t claim it for yourself. Really look into what you do have because there are BILLIONS of others in this world that would and do die for what you have. And if you’re still complaining about not having X,X,X – and if it’s a material possession – then maybe it’s time to re-think things. Sometimes I defo need to say this to myself and snap myself out of bullshit vibes!

I needed a massive slap in the face in this respect which I got earlier in the year. So I’ve been there, with the ‘poor me’, playing a victim, acting like things are happening ‘to’ me, spending all my time complaining. URGH what a drain! I know it’s difficult at the time though when things get tough, I deeply emphasise with that, as I’ve been there and I do also know it’s not always ‘easy’ and everyone is doing the best they can. But I’m now definitely no longer attracting those vibes to my life. Sometimes we need to be shaken the fuck up to get back to our blissful truth, which is that we have so fucking much! That this day and moment is a miracle! That we can and do create our own realities and experiences!

My heart really does go out to those who have so much less than us, which is why I choose to work in the field of social change and development, to somehow help those who have so much less than us and ease suffering in any possible way I can. Not everyone is into this – and that’s totally fine if it’s not your thing! But next time you go to complain about something trivial, try putting shit into perspective. You are luckier than you even know. What you have right now is WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH! You have rights. And money. And healthcare. And opportunities. And education. And a justice system. You can literally create any life that you dream and choose to. Do you realise how fucking incredible that is? Do you realise in human history that no one has had the vast amount of possibilities and opportunities that are available to us?

Life is completely totally and fully MEANINGLESS 

This was a game changer for me. Nothing means anything apart from EVERYTHING YOU MAKE IT MEAN! And everything you make it mean is based on old bullshit from the past. Fears, insecurities and egotic based lack or pessimistic thinking is the way most of us operate on a daily basis, and it takes a fuck load of practice to re-programme the way we have been cultured into being and thinking. I slip up every day. I’m still finding my long-term practices.

Major realisation here: X doesn’t mean X. X means something you made it mean based on some bullshit story of your past. Humans are ‘meaning-making machines’ – we just love to make shit mean something that it doesn’t actually mean. E.g. Because X didn’t message you, doesn’t mean shit, it just means X didn’t message you. Because you didn’t get the job doesn’t mean shit, it just means you didn’t get the job. We add so much meaning to shit but essentially, x simply and only means x – not the story you’ve made up about it. You’re never actually upset, frustrated or dis-aligned for the reason you think you are. The ‘truth’ is LOVE – always, always, always love. The best thing about the fact that everything you currently see and experience actually has ZERO MEANING WHATSOEVER is that you can then create your own meaning. You can choose love. You get to pick the meaning of experiences and of life and of mother fucking everything.

Let it go let it go let it go 

Speaks for itself really doesn’t it. I can get mega attached to the outcome and get lost along the way. Being fixated on ANYTHING being a certain way is not a recipe for happiness, zen blissful flow. I’m all for (and love) strategising, setting intentions, taking aligned action and making shit happen! But letting go is where joy can be found, it’s an ongoing practice (like EVERYTHING is) and a beautiful reminder that when ‘things don’t go to plan’ to accept, let go and move on. Getting caught up in the outcome means I miss the incredibleness of the moment /day! What will come will come, what will go will go. You can take action, but you can’t force shit to pan out a certain way – and being too ‘graspy’ just puts out un-aligned vibes. Enjoy this moment/ day/process. It’s not really about the outcome at all, is it?

Bliss can be experienced through perception 

Everything is perception. What perception do you choose? How do you want to feel? What nourishes you? What brings you bliss and how can you cultivate more of it? Feel into this, I’ve really found I can’t ‘think’ my way to bliss. It’s vibes, energy, emotions, humanity. You can choose your mother fucking perception of EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD! Do you know how amazing that is? E.g. instead of feeling ‘fed up’ when waiting for something, how about perceiving this as an incredible opportunity to look around you and appreciate this god damn fucking amazing LIFE that you are even so fucking lucky enough to experience! Instead of being fucked off when things don’t go to plan, how about perceiving this as a wonderful opportunity to grow and learn and develop and let go and accept and realise and a PERFECT TIME to ask yourself those big questions. WHY am I even doing this? Is this even what I deeply truly want? Does this light me the fuck up and bring me joy?

I could literally write for hours and hours and hours on all of this plus more. But it’s now midday and I want to smash out some work that I love and then go exploring!

Sending SO MUCH FUCKING LOVE! Any close friends that are reading this – I really miss you! I’m open for phone calls again… lol 🙂 🙂 🙂

Love, love, love, love, love, love


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