*disclaimer: Using grammar however the fuck I want (overuse as fuck of brackets but feeling it).
Mate, have I needed to re-balance or what. The last few weeks have been pretty amazing with multiple ‘pinch me’ moments, but there’s also been a whole lot of new experiences and situations to navigate through. So, I’ve found myself fucking up daily – as per! Fucking up, I’ve found, is not a ‘bad’ thing (‘bad’ is mostly preconceived anyway), but pretty fucking ‘normal’ (‘normal’ is mostly cultured and self-imposed anyway but ya know what I mean). Everyone fucks up. Maybe some more than others (maybe me lol).
Fucking up all over the place (AKA me)
Through these ‘fuck-ups’, some are quite minimal so let’s call those ones ‘growth points’, whereas others are proper fucks up, I’ve learnt A HELL OF A LOT. And we all know growth doesn’t happen from a place of only kittens, puppies and rainbows (which have literally been appearing in my life lately!), but from challenges, struggles and fuck-ups. If everything was lovely all the time, then well, everything would probably mostly stay the same, right? If you want to ‘live your dream life’ there’s going to be some challenges along the way, it’s a ‘figure it out as you go’ kinda sitcho. Which life is really, innit?
Over the last few days, I’ve pondered on ‘having it all figured it’. I don’t think I will ever ‘have it all figured out’. Does anyone? Maybe some do. But I don’t think that’s how I roll really. I don’t have the answers. I don’t really have any answers ha. I wing everything. I see what I feel like doing, being and experiencing life and feel into that daily. It changes wildly. Day by day, month by month, year by year. This means, I’m constantly learning and I make MANY mistakes, and often.
For example, when I was mega overwhelmed and needed to set some boundaries with friends I definitely DID NOT deliver that message in a very good way – sorry! (It’s v hard trying to be transparent without coming off as an asshole). For example, when I wanted to become loco independent, I was so fixed on achieving that goal, that I focused on work like crazy and missed out on so much fun and amazing stuff! For example, I was taking everything WAY too seriously (omg boring) and needed to relax into those chill vibes. For example, when things didn’t quite ‘go to plan’ I stressed myself out over it and ended up physically ill. (It was, however, the first time I’ve been a bit ill all year which is AMAZING as last year I was constantly getting ill – binge drinking, coke, not enough sleep and way too many packets on instant noodles will do that).
Saying that it felt ‘right’ at the time. I believe we are all doing our very best all the time. But life is messy, there’s no such thing as perfect, and we are all learning as we are going right. So yeah, I fuck up daily, but I’m okay with that. The more and more I learn, the more and more things ‘come together’. I might not ever leave this place of ‘bringing things together’, as there’s no end point. When a goal is achieved, I’ll create another goal. Once I’ve experienced something I want to experience, I’ll find something else. Once I’ve figured out how to do something, I’ll need a new challenge.
Getting back dat control
When my life was spiralling the fuck out of control last year, I needed to sort my shit out and try and regain some kind of control! I was like ‘okay I need to change some shit’ but have no fucking idea how to do it. So, I’ve tried quite a few practices and they have served me in different ways, but now that I’m (slightly) more ‘back in control’, I no longer need to be so hardcore with spiritual stuff. With energy levels stabilising, I ease up on what I’m eating – gluten, dairy, sugar, coffee and alcohol come at me. But like, in a balanced way, obvi! I really needed to cut out everything for awhile, to give me some space and clarity to see what does actually make me feel the best.
But, I had been trying to control everything! Which is always, in every situation, a recipe for a fucking disaster. With realising that maybe I’m never going to ‘have it all figured out’ that maybe this is literally what life is – the ebs and flows, the ups and downs, I’ve chilled out a bit with the flow of life. I mean, we all know that in theory right, that life is full of all kinds of experiences (not all kittens alas). But when you’re feeling not quite how you’d like to be, then well those ebs and downs can DRAG. AM I RIGHT.
Getting comfy with discomfort
I dunno if it’s just me/ me being a total princess, but I’m not always the best with discomfort. I try and minimise it as much as possible, but when I’m not feeling ‘aligned’ (happy, zen, bliss, joy etc) then I really don’t like it (Omg what a fucking diva). My discomforts are NOTHING on others. My discomforts come from my state of mind only. They come from me being overidentified with my mind or thoughts or taking them too seriously. I mean, I’m living in Bali for fucks sake. I have incredible family and friends. I’ve seen and experienced some real-life magic in my lifetime. I have good health, I can (for the most part ha) pay my bills. I am EXTREMELY PRIVILEGED, so I feel like a bit of a dick really whenever I complain about anything. For the majority of you reading this – WE HAVE SO FUCKING MUCH. Our ‘problems’ are mostly (apart from the real ones such as serious illness, grief etc) literally first world problems. Why are we complaining? Why are we judging? Why do we have fears and self-doubts and insecurities? Human minds are so fucking crazy – it’s both fucked up and fascinating. And something I definitely want to learn more about.
Saying that everything is relative right. The way we are experiencing life becomes ‘normal’. When I don’t focus on gratitude, abundance or all of the fucking magic in my life, then I simply don’t experience it. Even after a few months of dabbling in spiritual stuff I ‘slip up’ daily. I fuck up daily. But ya know what? That’s SO TOTALLY OKAY. I’m done with putting pressure on myself. Fun is my number one priority yo. Yeah, I’ve got goals, dreams and aspirations, but if I’m not enjoying myself along the way, what’s the fucking point?
Chilling out again and again, and relaxing into emotions, again and again, feeling into what feels right now again and again, and choosing love over fear, again and again, is my ‘spiritual practice’. I’ve tried a heap of different practices to see what suits me best, but what serves me today, is different than what served me yesterday, or last month, or two months ago, and completely different to what served me 6 months ago. Feeling into those intuition based feelings is how I’m now enjoying life.
‘No regrets’ is bullshit
I have SO many regrets. Regrets are normal. Regrets help us grow and learn. I don’t dwell on them, but am definitely like ‘okay, well I’m not doing THAT again’ (sometimes ‘him’ again lolol).
Yeah, it was a lot easier to be zen when I was spending a lot of time alone, and eating extremely well, not having any stimulants and being a full time chiller. I really needed this time out after last years madness, but once I reached that point of equilibrium, I was ready to enter ‘back into real life’. It’s too exhausting and just not fun trying to ‘sort’ stuff, or trying to be balanced all the time. But real life sitchos triggers me all over the place. Fear comes up, self doubt rises like crazy, insecurities come back. ‘Healthy’ habits change as I change. It felt right for me to have some drinks this weekend (and omg so good), and FUCK ME having coffee after two months off was like having a line of magical speed. For the last few months, I needed to minimise, but am now feeling in a pretty good place to introduce stuff back in, but definitely in a balanced and way more low key way.
I’ve been through times in my life like this before. Where I go hardcore ‘healthy’, and other times where I go hardcore ‘yolo’, but I’m starting to (FINALLY!) find my point of ‘balance’.
I’ve been experiencing a proper ‘vulnerability’ hangover. I’ve met some new people and am like omg fuck maybe they will see my blog gram, or blog and judge me. My fear of ‘what people think’ has been activated like a dormant volcano. Sorry abso shocker of a simile but can’t think of another one right now – it’s like a really deep-rooted fear I guess! So, I choose those love over fear thoughts again and again and again. Not in every moment, not even every day, but whenever I can, I amp up self loving and self compassion.
I’ve always ‘struggled’ with insecurity. To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve ‘fitted in’ anywhere. Ever. In the past, I’ve had some pretty hectic struggles with anxiety and social anxiety and have spoken to councillors about it. Therapy is literally the best. If I had more cash, I would 100% invest in a psychologist! Just FYI – many, many ‘successful’ people do. It can be hard to navigate through life and our crazy human minds sometimes ya know. I’m all for talking about shit and getting support! While I don’t really suffer (yeah, it’s shit) too much from anxiety anymore (unless I’ve had too much coffee!), I do sometimes feel really insecure. My self love practices are pretty new really, and confidence comes with time. For me anyway.
Yeah sure I’ve felt the most ‘like myself’ in years, but in times of self doubt, I still need to bring in compassion and forgiveness. I need to carve out time to be alone to recharge and reset. I need to tell myself I’m a badass bitch and no one can fuck with me, and not let anyone fuck with me! I need to tell myself I love and appreciate myself, just as I am right now in this very moment. I need to cry sometimes. I need to vent sometimes. I need to learn how to be fearless over and over. I need to do scary things to practice being fearless and then deal with the ‘vulnerability hangover’ afterwards. I’m okay with all of this though. It is what it is innit. It’s what works for me.
What I’m really trying to get across here, is that there’s no ‘magic fix’ for anything. Sure, I will continue down this path of zen, but what I need is going to change completely as I do. Essentially, everything is always in a state of flux, so I’m getting used to and feeling more into that day by day.
Diversity is SO FUCKING COOL
The way all of us are all experiencing life in a completely different way kind of blows my mind. My entire life is perceived and based on a whole load of shit (past experiences, cultural beliefs, biology etc) which is absolutely and completely different from yours. What thoughts are you having? What do you really care about? What things do you think about the most? What makes you happy? What stresses you out? They are all going to be different to mine, and everyone elses. I mean, yes of course some things are universal and common in certain similar people, but in genera,l FUCK ME ARE PEOPLE DIFFERENT OR WHAT! This I LOVE. This to me is interesting as absolute fuck. To you, maybe you literally could not care less.
I find it very interesting to see what people argue and debate about. What people like talking about. What stresses people out. What chills people out. What makes people happy. What people complain about. What people think is funny. What people do to ‘appear’ a certain way. What people care about. What people don’t care about. What things people think are fun. What people judge about. What things people think are ‘right’. What ways people try and prove they are ‘right’ and someone else is ‘wrong’ (v v v v interesting stuff!).
Personally, I’m fully down for diversity. If someone doesn’t believe or think the same way as me on a particular topic, that’s totally sweet by me, obvi. But not everyone is this way. I learn so much from others. I think people are FUCKING INTERESTING, INSPIRING, INTELLIGENT and pretty fricken all round incredible. I love people, I really do. Sure, maybe it’s a bit naive and oblivious, but I choose to believe people are ‘good’. I choose to believe people are kind. I choose to believe people are full of love. And this belief serves me very well, as it means that’s what I see and mostly experience. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Sometimes by focusing on all the good in the world, I feel happier. Sometimes I can’t be fucked being sceptical and want to ‘change the word’ or whatever, I just want to focus on GOOD STUFF. I know there’s others out there who know a hell of a lot more than I do (I always say I don’t know anything about anything!), and I choose to believe these people will make positive social change where it’s needed. Maybe one day I will too. But for now, I do what I can and do my best, like I believe the majority of us do.
Of course, there are things that fuck me off. There are things I don’t agree with. There are some atrocities in the world that upset me beyond words and there are times I feel I need to speak up. But for the most part of my day to day life, celebrating diversity and others opinions feels pretty good to me. That’s also why I LOVE meeting new people! I love hearing about other peoples lives and their experiences, thoughts and dreams. People are fucking magic, and what I think life really is about. Ya know?
What balances me today is going to change, and often. What balances me is going to be different to what balances you. You might not even give a fuck about being balanced. I do though, so today I wanted to write about it. I give myself permission to change my mind whenever the fuck I want. I give myself permission to change direction. I give myself permission to choose again. I don’t have a lot of advice on balance, as for me I’m still ‘finding’ it (and maybe never will who knows!), but I will say this: It’s totally okay to change your mind. It’s totally okay to be into something that someone else isn’t into. It’s totally okay to be your crazy unique and fucked up self, because – everyone is in their own way. It’s okay that what serves you today, might not tomorrow.
Maybe balance is simply just doing what feels best to you at this very moment, and letting yourself do just that? Maybe balance is choosing thoughts that make you feel good and rolling with them? Maybe balance is trying something, and then if it doesn’t feel right, trying something else? Maybe balance is fucking up often or things not ‘going to plan’ and being okay with it? Maybe, if we really feel into what feels balanced for each of us (as it will be wildly different) and lean into that as much as possible, then we will feel the best we can? Maybe if we make our own balance, happiness, joy, self love, and fun a top priority, then it will spill out onto other we meet and make them feel happy and more balanced too? I literally have no idea (as with most things ha), but that’s what I’m going to try for my balance V2!
This month I’m bringing in all the CHILL, FUN and SELF COMPASSION vibes. I’m here to enjoy life! So that, you absolute babes, is what I’m going to be doing.
Peace out cuties. Sending LOTZA LOVE as per!