When shit gets real

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I’ve had a hecto couple of weeks. Filled with ALL the things/ feelings/ experiences/ emotions.

Basically, some things have not panned out how I had intended or hoped for. It’s easy to feel upset at the time but all of these things that haven’t quite worked out the way I hoped are actually all DEFINITELY for the best!

Question: How do we know whats right for us? My answer: Not always by logical thinking. 

Is there anything you’ve ever really wanted, but then didn’t get and while upsetting at the time in hindsight you were SO happy it didn’t pan out that way, as something even better came along? (E.g. some of the guys I dated last year lololol). Maybe it was a job you really wanted, someone who you were dating, someone who you were crushing on, someone you wanted to be friends with once. Something you wanted to work out in X way, but it worked out in a completely different way. And it bought you to somewhere even more wonderful. 

I’ve realised I can’t plan or strategise my dream life.

I will however dream, make intentions and manifest – but they are always flexible and constantly changing. Every day, it’s about leaning into and bringing in more of what feels good this very day at this very time. It’s not a to-do list. Or a schedule. There’s no one right way for anyone. It’s not a strategic thought pattern. It’s feelings. It’s emotions. It’s forever in a state of flux. It’s messy, but life is. And that’s what makes it so real, exciting, invigorating and beautiful. The ups and downs, the ins and outs, the yin and yang. That’s life right there so we might as well embrace it ALL wholeheartedly. Emotions are your signs, and even contrasting ones (i.e. not high vibing) are showing you more of what you do want. They are always showing you the right path for you. 

Finding this path to my true intuition may quite possibly be the best thing that’s happened to me this year yet.

My mind doesn’t always know what’s best for me, because I am not my mind. We are so much more than our minds. Everything you could ever want and desire is always within your reach. Keep dreaming. Keep believing and knowing it’s coming to you – because if you’re aligned, it is.  In more generic words: follow your heart, not your head. Enjoy the ride babes! The good and the bad, the yin and the yang, the tears and the bliss. 

Soo I’ve needed to do some serious re-prioritising. 

I’ve been all work.work.work and strategy.planning.scheming. I went from a place of pure bliss, zen and contentment, to something very much more messy. To trying and failing. To releasing. To re-arranging. To failing again. To fucking up. To figuring things out as I go. This can actually be quite a good way to go about things – if you’re following the feel-good-feels. And I haven’t been completely. I’ve been making decisions and choices based on what I think is the best choice. This DOES NOT usually work out well for me. Instead I now ask, what feels like the right choice? 

Stress levels rising!

With savings pretty much almost OUT, I’ve needed to secure some finanical security – which was resulted in me working out of fear city. I’ve been so fearful that I’m going to run out of money, that it’s not going to work out – that I’ve been hustling in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. I’ve been over exerting myself in areas that are NOT deeply nourishing me. Because my lack mentality and fear based thinking has kicked into overdrive. AKA my ego has taken the fuck over! FUCK OFF ego – I say egoticly to my ego ha. Our ego thrives of fear, it fucking loves it esentially. It’s pessimistic and cynincal and negative as a emo mother fucker. Whereas truth – that’s real, that’s authenic, that’s bliss, that’s fun, that’s love. I’ve slipped hard core into ego-based thinking – but it can be challenging sometimes you know. When shit gets real. When you have rent to pay and food to buy. When you have deadlines. When you have stresses. But that is EXACTLY when it’s the perfect time to practice choosing love over fear. It’s easy when I’m high vibing, but harder when things get tough. But that’s when growth happens ya know. That’s when we learn. That’s when we figure out what we do want. That’s when we are pushed to ask the big q’s: ‘Is this really serving me?’ ‘How do I really want to feel?’ ‘What does my dream day look like?’

Earlier in the year, when I had plentiful savings and I could have literally done anything with my year.

I could have gone travelling for months. I could have been blissfully unemployed for half the year. I choose to work. This year was not meant to be a year about work, however I realised – it’s such a huge part of our lives. It’s how we spend our days. It’s what we put our energy into. It makes up a HUGE chuck of our day / week / month / year / lives. So for me, it’s important it’s aligned. I want my work to be invigorating, to lift me up, to give me MORE energy, to inspire others, to help others. I want to lead with purpose. I want to use the knowledge, skills and experience I have now, to work for myself – and create a lifestyle that best serves me. Which means, working less, getting paid more and having as much ‘spare’ time as possible to focus on other projects and activities too. 

It’s also my dominant intend to have flexible work.

Flexible hours and a flexible location. I have learnt SO much. This journey into self-employment has been very very interesting so far! I’m so grateful for everything I’ve learnt. I realised I have been putting extremely high pressure on myself. So now, I ease up and relax. I’m actually starting online english teaching next week! Which is completely random! But means I can stay living in Bali for now and can start earning regular income immediately. Plus, who knows, maybe I will love it? I won’t be looking into launching my dream business until next year, as that’s not quite the stage I’m at. For me now, I intend to become completely self employed and support myself finanically as part of this flexible lifestyle. And then, I will look at creating again. 

Basically – by focusing too much on work, I’ve missed a whole lot of amazing ‘OMG I’m living in Bali’ life stuff!

BUT I have gained SO much knowledge and I now know better how to proceed in a way that best nourishes me – on every level. I also know more what I want and I need, and what my triggers are. It can be difficult being authentic in the traditional world of business – which is why it doesn’t always sit quite right with me. I’m SO NOT into ‘being professional’. I think it’s a whole load of bullshit. That we are meant to act a certain way at work. That we have a ‘work’ version of ourselves and a ‘out of work’ version of ourselves. That doesn’t work for me, it never has. I am just me – both in, and out of work. I have a lecturer at uni who was so anti ‘professionalism’ and would often talk about how it was a load of shit essentially. She was – obvs – one of my fave lecturers. She was a realist. She was a no bullshit kinda gal. 

Saying that – if I choose to continue down this path of self employment, I will sometimes need to amp up my professional vibes. But I will only ever do that to the degree that is still true to who I am. Otherwise, this is not the right path for me. Do ya know what I mean? At the moment it’s a try something and give it my all, and if it doesn’t work out or end up feeling quite right, then I will try something else. I will follow my curosities. I will follow with what feels good now. NOT what logically makes sense now. As I have been following the logic, but have ended up stressed – and now actually also physically sick – and for what?! Following what I think is right has not in the past led me to the happiest place. Whereas when I feel into what feels right now, that usually serves me a whole lot better 

Summary: Living a wholehearted authentic life loving every day dream life isn’t always easy at the beginning, but as I proceed through the bumps, and the ups and the downs, I make more and more steps forward to that place. It may not always be easy, but it is always, always, always worth it. 

Keep dreaming babes! Always, always, always, always. And as Vienda Maria said (and I LOVE this quote): “Keep following your heart angel. At the very least you will live an authenic life. At the very most you will touch the exquisite edges of existence.”

With a whole lotta LOVE LOVE LOVE,


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